Zack's Anger Diary: Children Are Tiny Terrorists: Part 1

Dear Diary …

So last week I was on vacation … went to the beach with the family, and two other couples and their families. So that made six adults and six kids. And it was fun … we had a really good time. Though notice I didn’t use the words “relaxing time,” because it wasn’t. And the blame for that falls squarely on the children.

Because here’s what I’ve learned in my years as a parent … Children are tiny little terrorists. They are! I know that’s a harsh word, but it’s the best way to describe them. The definition of terrorism is "the use of actions or threats to intimidate or coerce" … and that’s exactly what they do. And when you put six of them together all on that mission, they’re like Tiny ISIS, exacting their brand of terror on the government … which in this case is the Government of Mommies and Daddies.

And because they're terrorists, they fight dirty. Their methods include torture. Think about it … like one form of torture is Chinese Water Torture … where they just drip water on your forehead over and over again. Drip … drip … drip … drip … until you lose your mind.

This children did this in the form of asking for things … all … day … long. One wants a snack. Then another wants a snack. Then another. Snack … snack … snack … snack. Drip … drip … drip … drip ... AHHHH!!! Daddy watch me jump in the pool … no watch me … no watch me … DRIP … DRIP … DRIP … DRIP … all till you lose your mind.

And it doesn’t stop there … they also employ sound torture as their little whiny voice just gets higher and higher as they demand stuff. GNAHH GNEE GNAHHH … And it was like they were trying to out-whine each other. GNAHH GNEE GNAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! [[[Sigh]] … Enough! Fine ... do whatever you want. Have whatever you want. I can't take it anymore!

And finally Diary … they move on to mind control. Like here’s a great example … every day we go to the beach, and you gotta lug six million different things down there with you … Canopies, coolers, towels, toys, and chairs. Every day … we lugged down chairs for those children … and every day … None of them sat in a chair. OK … fine … So on the last day, we don’t bring them any chairs.

And what’s the first thing outta their little mouths? “Where’s my chair? I wanna sit down too! Where's my chair?”

Mind control! That’s all that is from these tiny little terrorists!!!

Now let me be clear ... I love my kids. But let me also be clear … they’re evil! I said it by the end of the week to all the other parents … I don’t like these kids. My kids … your kids … all of ‘em. Just over it. And I wasn't the only one ... they all felt the same way.

Shoot … one night we had a sitter so the adults could all go out for a grown-up evening. Now that sounds great in theory, but this is in a town we don’t live in … we don’t know this person who's the sitter. But you know what? That was a risk we were all willing to take.

“Hey … one of the kids is missing”

“Yeah … well … that meal WAS delicious. Price you pay I guess.”

Diary … I don’t even know what my message is here. I think I’m just venting. OK … you know what … here’s one … We grown ups should probably all call our parents today and just apologize. Don’t even know for what, but I guarantee you we were all evil little terrorist children on vacation at least once and had no idea … so a nice blanket apology would probably be a good plan.

Oh … THAT … and the fact that every parent should keep a running list of times our kids wore us down to the last fiber of our beings, so later we can then exact our revenge on these kids when they’re 16 years old and they think they’re gonna sleep till one in the afternoon every day of summer vacation. Oh that is SO not happening!

And is it really healthy to hold this grudge for 10 years till then? Ehhhh … probably not. Do I care? Ehhhh … definitely not.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.