Zack's Anger Diary: Fire All Driver's Ed Teachers

Dear Diary …

Alright … no more being nice. I think we finally gotta take some drastic measures here. I think it’s time to demand the firing of every Driver’s Ed teacher in Virginia. All of 'em. Pack your things and get out. OK that’s probably a LITTLE too extreme, but I’m at my wits end, and I don’t know what to do about this state’s obsession with hanging out in the left lane on the highway.

And it’s just Virginia. Diary … I drove 1500 miles over my vacation … Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Maryland … and NONE of those places had people just toolin’ along on the left lane. Then I cross into Virginia … everyone's just camped out there ... DONGA DONGA DONGA DONG.

So clearly, it’s a Virginia thing. So that’s why I’m lashing out at driver’s ed teachers, because I feel like SOMEBODY taught you people to drive this way. It’s the only explanation I have. I just know that change needs to happen.

Hey ... I’ll admit it … I’m not from here, but I like it here. I say that I’ll “holler at you” when I’m “fixin’ to” do something. Now I won’t “cut on the lights” ... never gonna happen ... but I do get all excited when they’re “walkin’ to the South, out of Roanoke” in Wagon Wheel. That's cool.

So I’m here … as your friend … STOP IT! I don’t care if Mr. Dingleberry your driver’s ed teacher told you to it, don’t do it anymore. You look ridiculous to the rest of the county, and you're making me drive bad. Because now I’m forced to pass your oblivious, slow-moving butt on the right … and I don’t wanna have to do that. I don't know who you think you're impressing by hanging out there, so just get outta the way ... please!

OK … moving on Diary … As a parent of small children, I feel like I need to educate other people on something about these tiny little bundles of … uhhh … joy? Is that what people say?

Anyway … here’s something you can’t do when talking to small children … you cannot tell them they’re gonna get to do things WAY in the future. They have tiny little skulls and tiny little brains … they can’t process durations of time, and they have NO patience to wait for anything.

My son is three … and while visiting his Grandma, she tells him “Lennon … we’re going to go the Thomas the Train amusement park … when you come back next year.”

Oh and I should add that she does this right as we’re leaving. Gives him the tease, then shuts the door to the car and says goodbye. Why would you do this to me? Now I’m driving 700 miles with a three old in the backseat screaming that he wants to go ride the trains right now.

He doesn’t understand “next year.” You need to talk to small children like you would to a dog. You would never say to your dog “Oh moosh moosh … do you want a cookie … next week?”

Tiny children have about the same grasp on the concept of time. Things either happen right now … or never. Shut the door and leave me with that. I’m starting to think maybe she did it on purpose? You’re thinking that too, aren’t ya?

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.