Zack's Anger Diary: In Search of "The One"

Dear Diary ...

Throughout my life, I am forever in search of “the one.” And I don’t mean, “Oh that’s the love of my life, she’s ‘The One.’” I’m pretty sure I figured that one out already. Or really it's my wife because SHE was lucky enough to find ME … Clearly “The one.” [[RIMSHOT]]


Anyway … this is more like that Morpheus dude’s quest in the movie “The Matrix” where he’s trying to find the chosen One to save the world. Except mine is not a hunt to find the savior, my hunt is to always find “The One” who’s ruining it for the rest of us.

This came to me while I was scrambling thru rush hour traffic on Friday afternoon to fight my way thru a jam-packed grocery store. Why? Because my daughter had a little performance thingie at her school and my wife and I realize “Oh crap … we gotta bring her flowers.” Yep … cuz I don’t know if you knew this or not Diary, but if you don’t bring your kid flowers and gifts to any and every assembly and performance and every little thing they do, you are the worst parents alive. Cuz everybody else's parents do it. So unless you want a miserable, crying child at the end of the night, you gotta do it to.

And while I moved thru the crowds like a football game had just ended, I thought to myself, “Who’s ‘The One’ who did this?”

Because back in the day, this didn’t happen. When I was a kid, you did your little band recital, or chorus song, or dance routine or whatever, and then you went home. That was it.

But then one day “The One” ruined everything by spoiling their kid with gifts. And then somebody else’s kid saw that kid, and they were sad. And that parent felt guilty. So they next time, they got them stuff. And then everybody got suckered into doing the same thing. All thanks to “The One.”

Look … let me be clear … I like doing things for my kids and making them happy, but I wanna do it because I wanna do it, or because they actually earned it. Instead, I’m doing it because I’m afraid I’m gonna look like that schmuck who DIDN’T do it.

And it’s never-ending, there’s always some parent doing it wrong and becoming “The One” that makes things more of a pain for the rest of us. Like when I have to fight with my daughter over the yogurt she brings to school.

“Well blah blah’s parents [[By the way, Blah blah’s name has been changed to protect blah blah’s feelings]] Well blah blah’s parents pack her the yogurt with the Oreo cookies on top.”

“Yeah well blah blah’s parents obviously don’t care about nutrition, so too bad!”

Blah blah’s parents … being “The One” and making us all look bad cuz we don't put candy in our yogurt.

We as parents all need to band together with an agreement of solidarity that our kids get nothin’. I mean ... everybody wins here. We save money, and our kids aren't spoiled little monsters.

But the problem is that MOST of us will agree to the pact, but there will always be “The One” that goes against us and makes us all look bad, because they’re the people that say things like, “Oh well my kids ALWAYS come first.”

You know what? I’m gonna blow your mind right here … my kids don’t always come first. Nor do they deserve to always come first. Sure I love them and will do anything for them, but some nights, they come like 6th or 7th. Shoot … I’m going out of town for a night away ... just me and the wife on Friday, and I can promise you that the kids are gonna come about 23rd, right behind, “I hope this hotel has comfortable pillows.” (Oh yeah ... and hopefully the kids are OK too.)

Just an observation here, but in my experience the person who says “Well my kids come first,” is almost always the same person on Facebook who’s life is a never-ending stream of drama and complaining … The school’s out to get me, my man cheated, my boss is a jerk … All with the capper of “Well I told them that my babies always come first no matter what.”

Hey .. I’m not saying “Don’t love your kids and be there for them,” I just saying … there MIGHT be a connection here.

Till next time Diary, I say … goodbye