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Zack's Anger Diary: Kids Today Will Never Get To ______

March 3, 2015

 

Dear Diary …

 

I really feel bad for kids today. Now yes, in a lot ways they get to live in an exciting time with amazing technological advances, but at the same time they are totally missing out on some other great things.

 

For example … When kids today grow up, they are never going to be able to “snow brag.”

 

“In my day, we went to school even when there was a FOOT of snow on the ground and we WALKED ... uphill ... both ways ... in the cold.”

 

No you didn’t. You never go.

 

If anything, it’s gonna be the exact opposite where YOUR kids are gonna have to go to school and you'll say …

 

“Brrr … it’s a little bit cold outside this morning. In my day we’d cancel school for a week if it was … you know … kinda chilly out.”

 

And don’t even start with me …

 

“Oh but it’s for the safety of our children. My children’s safety is the MOST important thing in the whole world.”

 

No it ain’t.

 

If it was, you wouldn’t let them wade around in that feces-laden ball crawl at you-know-where with the rodent mascot.

 

And God knows what’s inside that Hamburger Helper you’re lettin’ em eat.

 

So let’s not get all high and mighty here and instead, let's face the facts … the world can be a scary and dangerous place. If we’re SO worried about safety … our kids should probably never leave the house. Like ever.

 

If it’s snowing out, it’s too cold. If it’s raining out, it’s too slippery, and if you walk around with your mouth open you might even drown.


If it’s hot out … uhhh hello … sunburn ... skin cancer? Shoot ... If they're on their way to school, and they have lunch in their backpack, you never know when a bear might just wade outta the woods and be all hungry try to bite our precious little snowflakes and steal their lunch.

 

Nope … cancel school forever. We’ll all just homeschool ‘em. They can have Snapchat playdates with their friends. It’s all about the safety.

 

And look … I understand that they’re just doing their best when it comes to the school closings. I don’t necessarily agree with it, but it is what it is. That said, what I’m not doing anymore, is getting called into any meeting at the school the next time my kids miss a couple days of school when we go on vacation or whatever.

 

“Oh we take attendance very seriously.” No! You can say that AND cancel school at the drop of a hat. It's one or the other.

 

That’s as if a guy like Tiger Woods … who cheats on his wife over and over and over again we’re to get all mad if he found out his wife was flirting with one other dude. No! You don’t get to have it both ways there, Mister.

 

Here’s another thing … Our kids are never going to get to experience the joy of coming down on Saturday morning and rejoicing because … LAAAAAAHH! … Saturday morning cartoons were on.

 

All week long you suffered thru your parents lousy television, and FINALLY there was a day for YOU.

 

Now? Every day is Saturday morning cartoons. They can watch whatever they want, whenever they want. And at first you think, "oh but that’s a good thing because it’s just right there at our fingertips and we can fire up their show for them."

 

Yeah … I used to think that. Till I realized … we parents are the real losers here. When we were kids, we used to have to sit thru all of Mommy and Daddy’s shows, since ours weren’t on.

 

Now today … Daddy doesn’t get to watch any of his shows because he ... and by "he" I mean "me" ... is watching Space Buddies for the 473rd time instead.

 

So I’d say “poor them,” but really I should be saying “poor me,” since I’m the one stuck watching it instead of them sit there and watch my boring episode of some grownup show.

 

I mean really when I think about it ... and I'm lumping myself in here ... We might be the dumbest generation of parents. Ever! We totally let these monsters boss us around, and do whatever the heck they want.

 

But I'll tell you what the solution is ...

 

... As soon as I figure out what the solution is cuz I don't know. So if you could ... like ... help me.

 

Please...

 

...Please!

 

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

 

 

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