Dear Diary …
Today … I'm gonna do two things. First, I'm gonna school ya. And them I’m gonna ask a ridiculous question. So first … DING DING … School is in session.
If you have a telephone … so you know … everybody. Here’s a simple request.
You know how when people call you, and you don’t answer, there’s this thing called “voice mail” where they can leave you a message? Yeah … have a voice mail greeting! Oh I can’t stand it when I have to hear that robot lady “The mailbox for 8 … 4 … 9 … 2 … blah … blah … blah”
C’mon! How hard is it to just say … “Hi … leave a message?” Instead I gotta sit through robot lady … who takes forever.
Oh and the best is when you sit through all of robot lady, and then you get “The mailbox of the person you are trying to reach is full.”
I’m gonna tell you right now … When you have a full voicemail box … I immediately judge you as an incompetent waste of space. I mean … get it together man! You can’t even keep track of a voicemail box? If I was a boss … I would hire you. You can’t be trusted
Potential love interest? Hell no! You’re never gonna be reliably there for me. And don’t get mad at me I'm assuming you’re useless … You’ve done this to yourself. Clean out the stinkin’ mailbox!
Oh and here’s another phone thing … If I call you and … heaven forbid! … You don’t recognize the number ... You CAN actually answer the phone like a normal person. I know … GASP! … Not everybody on Earth is in your contacts list.
And when you’re not … You get one of two things. You either get somebody who’s immediately rude and suspicious of you right away.
Oh well hello to you too!
Which brings me to number two … where you get people who answer the phone and then don’t say anything. They just pick up the phone and ............................................
The word you’re looking for is “hello” … HELL-LOOOOOOO … That's what you say! Answer your phone like a human, and not like a conspiracy theorist who thinks the CIA is trying to climb through their phone and into their ear hole. Just say "hello."
It's called manners. You ain't got none. Start having some.
OK … moving on Diary … Ridiculous question time …
This has to do with past lives. You know … the people who believe “I was 17th century Duke in a past life.”
And that’s where my question lies … Why does everybody always think they were SO important in their past lives?’
So let me get this straight … you were a Duke in one life, and a famous painter in another, and a rich business man in a third … But purely by coincidence, you just happen to be normal boring you in this current life? What happened this time, huh?
You just layin’ low and takin' this lifetime off? Just chillin' out?
You know who's fault it is? It's these so-called experts that tell you who you were in a past life … they’re layin’ it on thick and telling you exactly what you wanna hear. None of ‘em ever say …
“Yeah … In a past life you worked in a factory. Yep … 9-5. Retired quietly. Died.”
or ... “I see here … you were a halfway decent looking housewife. That’s it. Grandma for a little while. Then you died. The end. Five dollars please.”
I mean … SOMEBODY had to be a normal boring person in their past life, right? Can’t all be famous people … not enough of ‘em to go around.
And I don't know about you, but I demand answers to this ridiculous question!
Till next time Diary … I say, goodbye.