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Zack's Anger Diary: Evil Evil Children

January 6, 2015

 

Dear Diary …

 

I just got back from vacation. Two glorious weeks of vacation. And for the most part, it was exactly that … glorious.

 

No alarm clock. No bedtime. French Press fancy coffee int he morning. Don’t brush your teeth till noon. Whatever you wanna do! Everything about it was great … except for one thing … the children.

 

You see Diary … they were on vacation too, and now that they are five and two years old, I’m learning that two weeks with each other in the same house, is simply too much for these little demons to handle.

 

Much like a dog left in their crate for too long … The kids were simply going kennel crazy. And yes, I probably could’ve taken them somewhere, but this was MY vacation too, and I don’t wanna do no loser kid things. And furthermore … All you people had the flu! I saw all the whining on social media. I’m not messin’ with that. We’re in quarantine … I am NOT going out there with all those germs!

 

Man … the last few days of vacation … just brutal. These kids got all sorts of new presents and toys for Christmas, but the only thing they wanted to play was a game I call “Torment Your Sibling.”

 

“YNNNGHAAAAA …. NGGGEEEEE ….. NAAHHHHH!!!! I had it first! GNNNAHHHHH!!” [NOTE: If you're reading this instead of listening to this, this part probably isn't doing you justice right now. Go to 1:17 on the audio to suffer properly.]

 

That was the soundtrack of my house. The two kids were pretty much ready to kill each other, and my wife and I were basically ready to let ‘em. At one point on Sunday, she and I are sitting in the living room, and the two of them just start fighting upstairs.

 

So ask my wife … “Now what are they fighting about?”

 

She says “I don’t know. Just leave ‘em up there figure it out, or one can kill the other, or whatever.”

 

That ws it. We were done. And it was at that moment I realized how important school is … I mean sure for … um … learning or social blah blah … but mostly as a place … AWAY … to take them. A-WAY.

 

Here’s another thing I’m learning as the kids get older … they hate for Mommy and Daddy to have an actual adult conversation. At least I assume they hate them, because they destroy every single one we try to have.

 

It’s amazing … all you have to do is start having a conversation … and then magically one of those little bees comes … BZZZZZ … buzzing into the room. In this conversation my son was first … “I want milk.”

 

Which by the way, if you tell him no tot hat request, he thinks he can get milk by talking lower and growling his request. “Grrr … I want milk!” [Again with the reading vs. listening. Go to 2:28]

 

Fine … so the rabid raccoon gets his milk. I don't care, just get out of here.

 

Start having a grownup conversation again .. and now my daughter walks in “Momma … let me tell you all the accessories they have for American Girl Dolls. They have shoes … and hats … and pets … and shirts”

 

“Ok thank you”

 

“...and wheelchairs … and tables … and a necklace”

 

“OK … THANK YOU!!!”

 

I mean … I love the heck out of these kids, but man they are SO annoying!

 

Diary, I realize that when I look at really rich people … and I’m kinda jealous of them … it’s not because they have fancy cars, or that they take lavish trips or anything like that … it’s cuz they have nannies.

 

Man I wish I had a nanny! I'm telling you ... I would love my kids more because I could hang out with 'em, and as soon as I got sick of 'em, Helga could go give 'em a bath. THAT, my friends, is the life to strive for!

 

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

 

 

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