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Zack's Anger Diary: Jacked Up Xmas Songs

December 2, 2014

 

Dear Diary …

 

Now you know me … I got big time Christmas spirit. Holiday cheer oozes out my yule log for about two months leading up to the big day. Big fan of Jesus’ birthday … and also a big fan of the Christmas music. I’m a connoisseur if you will, with an appreciation for all manner for Christmas tunes.

 

And I do enjoy them for what they are, but I also gotta be honest … Some of these songs are ridiculous. Take the Perry Como classic …

 

There’s no place like hooome …. for the holidaaaayyyys …

 

Well we’re gonna agree to disagree on this one, Perry. I mean, there’s no place like MY home for the holidays, but you and your travelling all over God’s creation just for a piece of “homemade pumpkin pie” ain’t nobody’s idea of the perfect way to spend Christmas.

 

Listen to this nut, “Gee … the traffic is terrific!” … What is wrong with him? I think he’s been stuck IN traffic for hours and the dude has lost his mind! This is nobody's idea of fun during their time off from work, piling their entire crazy family in the car, and then fighting every lunatic on the roads or the airport or whatever …

 

And then when you get there, what is your reward? You get to cram into a random room in a tiny house that doesn’t have enough beds for all the people in it, that you're related to, but barely like.

 

Diary, you know where I’m sleeping this Christmas? I don’t! Cuz we’re going to my mother-in-law’s house where there’s only one extra bed and three visiting couples and we all have two kids apiece. Hey kids ... enjoy the floor!

 

Home for the Holidays … you lunatic.

 

Next up, what about the classic “Winter Wonderland?”

 

On the surface you think … ahhh … the picturesque scenes of winter … so lovely. But have you paid attention to the lyrics?

 

As best I can understand, there’s a bunch of chicks in a field, and they build a snowman, and then they pretend it’s the snowman is some guy named Parson Brown. Now I don’t know this Parson Brown, but he must be like the Channing Tatum of this place, because when he sees the ladies he says “Are ya married?” and they say “No man … but you can do the job when you’re in town”

 

So that makes them his “hoes in different area codes” then, right? We’re not married, but we’ll all do ya tonight while you’re breezing thru town. Buncha skanky groupies!

 

And then the ladies go inside… to conspire … as they dream … by the fire. To face unafraid … the plans that we’ve made.

So they don’t even regret their dirty little orgy they just had with this Parson Brown!

 

What is going on in this town? And furthermore … where are these hoochies so the rest of us can be all “Yeah … uhhh … I’m Parson Brown … how you ladies doin?” That is a filthy Christmas song!

 

OK finally Diary … Happy Christmas … War Is Over. What a lovely message … totally ruined by Yoko Ono’s terrible warbling. Boy she really did break up the Beatles, didn’t she? And every year, her “Waaaaarrrr issssss oooovvvvaaaaaaa”

just grates on my eardrums just a little bit more.

 

Who knew that is was possible to hear something that made you wish for the Celine Dion version of ANYTHING?

 

“Waaaaarrrr issssss oooovvvvaaaaaaa” You’re right it is over … we surrender!!!! Stop! Oh it hurts.

 

Where's the calm, quiet tunes of "White Christmas" when you need it?

 

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

 

 

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