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Zack's Anger Diary: Don't Touch Me, Sickie

October 7, 2014

 

Dear Diary ….

 

Now I’ve said this before, but I think it’s important to mention again … because you’re not gettin’ it. It's something that seems simple to me that you would listen to, but people are not listening. So now is the time to say it again … we are entering cold and flu season (not mention the bonus prize of Ebola). So if you happen to get sick … STAY AWAY!

 

You have germs. And you can spread those germs. You know how they always say … “Oh it’s goin’ around.” Yeah … it’s cuz YOU are going around … sneezing on things, and touchin' stuff, and other people.

 

The people in particular … that’s the one I never understand. You see somebody … they greet you … they give you a hug .. and then say “Oh I’ve been SO sick the last few days!”

 

What is wrong with you? What made you think it's a good idea you're sick, and then you go touching me?

 

Here’s a simple rule of thumb … When you are sick … you … don’t touch ANYBODY! Play a game called "Wild Animal" ... you know ... cuz they go and they crawl in the corner and leave everybody else alone. Do that.

 

At the very least, you state your germs to me up front, and I’ll decide from there what kind of contact we will have.

 

I mean … take Ebola … they say … “Don’t worry … you can only get it if you come in direct contact with somebody who’s infected.” Obviously that’s not MY plan, but it says nothing for the infected person giving me a hug in the lobby and then saying “Oh man … I’ve been SO sick since my recent vacation to Liberia.”

 

I’ll tell you what, it’s pretty well known that I haven’t really agreed with much of anything our current President has done, but I will give him props for one thing … the fist bump. No need for germ-ridden touchy touchy … quick tap and you’re outta here, sickie! You hear me? Hopefully this time it sinks in.

 

OK … moving on Diary …

 

I’m a good human. OK … occasionally I make people cry when I tell them the truth, but the truth hurts, and it’s for their own good. But I recycle. I try to conserve energy. Stuff like that. Heck … I’ll wear socks two days in a row if they still smell good.

There, I'm saving the laundry. Don’t judge! You’re welcome environment.

 

But what I don’t like, is when you try to force me to do these things. Like at work. Where I will confess I’ve had a little bit of a hissy fit with a little thing called “two-sided printing.” You see Diary, that’s where you decide to print two pages, and your printer goes ahead and prints page one on one side, and then page two on the back side of the same paper.

 

Well sorry trees, but I require multiple pages for things I print … but my printer … it wants to force me to be green … and defaults to two-sided printing every single day. I change the setting, which next morning is back to the default. Which naturally I forget about at 4 o’clock every morning because I can barely remember my middle name at that time of the day.

 

So guess what happens? I print. It comes out double-sided … which I then have to throw in the garbage and re-print single-sided. So now I’m using 50 percent MORE paper than if you had just let me print normal in the first place!

 

Hmph … Hope you’re happy with your forcing of the green two-sided printing. You just murdered a forest. Good luck trying to sleep tonight on THAT bed of guilt!

 

Till next time Diary … I say, goodbye.

 

 

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