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Zack's Anger Diary: The Great iPhone Conspiracy

September 16, 2014

 

Dear Diary …

 

We are all victims of one big conspiracy! Now I realize that I’m going to sound a bit like a lunatic when I start talking, but that’s what “they” want you to think. And by “they,” I mean the people that are orchestrating this conspiracy … and you’re a part of it. Even if you don’t know you’re a part of it, they are gettin’ to you too.

 

“They” are controlling you … specifically controlling how you spend your money. And “they” are Apple Computer. And not just Apple … other technology people are "they" also, but Apple is the current “they” that’s messing with you.

 

And what do I mean by this lunatic rant? Well let me tell you a little story about a boy named Zack ...

 

Zack owns an iPhone 5. Zack enjoys his iPhone 5. Zack has never had an issue with his iPhone 5.

 

Last week … Apple announced the iPhone 6.

 

And guess what happened THE DAY of that announcement?

 

Zack’s battery in his iPhone 5 just didn’t seem to be as strong as it used to be. All of a sudden, Zack’s uses his phone a little bit and then … brrmmmmp … low battery.

 

"Oh hey there Zack … don't worry. Look what you can have … this shiny NEW phone with no battery problems. All you gotta do is give us a bunch of money and all your problems go away."

 

I mean, this is obvious to everybody now, right? They deliberately make the older stuff work like crap, so you have to buy the shiny new stuff, which next year will immediately become the old crap that you need to throw out. It's the conspiracy, and we're all in the cycle.

 

And what I want to know is … when does this stop? Anything technology-related already costs an arm and a leg, and the price just keeps going up and up and up. But you know what’s not going up and up and up? Our pay! It’d be fine if they’re both going up, but they ain’t.

 

It is time to take a stand!!

 

And you know what I’m gonna do about it? Nothin’ ... Cuz they got me … and now I’m trapped. iPhone 6 anyone?

 

OK diary … while we are talking phones … I’m going to give everybody a free lesson in telephone etiquette. This is old school stuff … you know … actually TALKING on a phone.

 

If I call you, and you don’t recognize the number on the caller ID, that doesn’t mean you’re obligated to be a jerk to me the second you pick up the phone.

 

This happened to me recently calling a prize winner. The woman won concert tickets for crying out loud, but when I call her to tell her, some random dude … I’m assuming boyfriend … answers the phone … “What?”

 

“Um … hi. Zack from K92 here. Just calling for Courtney.”

 

“Why?”

 

Why? Well it was to give her concert tickets, but now it’s maybe to suggest that dump your rude boyfriend and find a guy with some manners.

 

Good God people … it’s called being polite. Would it kill ya to MAYBE start the conversation a little less accusatory?

 

It'd be one thing if this was an isolated incident, but it isn't. Ever get a wrong number from somebody, and they're mad at you? What are you mad at me for? It was your sausage fingers that dialed incorrectly.

 

How about an "I'm sorry?" Or at least just be halfway pleasant? Sheesh.

 

I know … niceness lessons from me … who’da thunk it? You know we’re way too mean if now I’M one of the nice ones.

 

So be more polite you jerks! There ... lesson over.

 

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

 

 

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