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Zack's Anger Diary: Close Your Mouth Hole

June 17, 2014

 

Dear Diary …

 

I’m here to help.

 

Now I know sometimes you might think … "Oh this Diary is just one angry little man ranting about things," but that’s not the case at all.

 

Yes I’m angry. And yes I’m ranting about things. And yes … I’m kinda little … but that’s not the core of the Anger Diary. I core is that I’m here to help.

 

I want to make the world a better place. And lucky for me, I’ve got the knowledge … it’s just a process of getting you to listen to it. I’m just trying to help you during those times where you’re doing it wrong, and I have the right answer.

 

OK … modesty might not be my strong suit … whatever. But in all seriousness, sometimes I have good advice. Like this … Shut your mouth.

 

Now I don’t mean … you be quiet … you shut up. That's not productive. I mean you need to actually … physically … close your mouth hole as you’re walking through life. Because when you’re standing there … just with your mouth open … I gotta be completely honest … you do NOT look like somebody who’s setting themselves up for success.

 

You don’t believe me? Go to a mirror right now … open your mouth … and then look at yourself.

 

"Heeeyyyy … Hi."

 

Close your mouth? Normal.

 

Open?

 

"Mahhhhhhhh … bug catchin' mouth … Mahhhhhh"

 

I’ll freely admit ... knowing nothing about a person … I will judge them … probably unfairly … just because they’re walking around with their mouth open. Think about it … If you interviewed two people for a job … and EVERYTHING was identical about the two people, except for the fact that one sat there with his mouth open the entire interview … who would you hire?

Closed mouth guy … exactly!

 

And I wanna stop this. I wanna give you that chance. I want you to get that job … so take my advice and shut it!

 

OK … moving on Diary …

 

As a parent, you want your kids to look up to you. And to a point, you even want them to see you as super-human. That said … you don’t want it to go to the point like my children, who apparently think I’m a magician and they can just have anything they want, exactly when they want it, without any advanced notice.

 

My daughter just yesterday … I’m in the kitchen making dinner …

 

"Is dinner ready yet?"

 

"No. I’m making it right now."

 

"But I’m hungry NOW!!!!"

 

That’s great, but it ain’t ready. It’s not like I can wave my magic wand and … poof … cheeseburger. You have to be patient.

 

And my daughter … she fights it. And she fights with no logic, because her arguments make no sense. When she whines that she’s hungry and I tell her I’m making it as fast as I can and it’ll be done soon. Her response to me last night?

 

"Well that’ll take a mile and a half to be ready."

 

Huh?  Mile and a half?

 

How do you come back from that? What unit of measurement do I even argue in to prove my point?

 

I’ll tell you want the point is … I ain’t no David Copperfield. Cuz if I was, I’d be making myself disappear and then reappear on a beach in Puerto Rico while somebody else made you dinner in the first place you ingrate!


Till next time Diary … I say goodbye.

 

 

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