Dear Diary …

Some things in this world … they make sense.  They serve a purpose.  They do stuff.  Other things?  Useless!  No need for ‘em, no practical purpose, and no benefit.  And yet there they are … still there … suckin’.

I mean … think of some of the products you buy at the grocery store that come in those cardboard containers that have those extra tab thingies when you open them.  You know … when the little side flaps have a little hole and then other flap kinda wedges in there on both sides.

Or you know what? Let me describe it the way you actually know it … those stupid extra flaps that always rip when you try to open them up in the first place.  Those things never hold together.  And unless you have a master’s degree in wizardry, you have no idea the proper way how to open them.  And even if you are some kind...

Dear Diary …

I cannot believe I’m about to do this. But you know what? I’m gonna do it.  I’m gonna talk about masks.

(Oh my God … am I really gonna do this?  Yes. Yes I am.)

So … here’s where I stand on your opinion on masks … I … don’t … care.

“Everyone needs to wear a mask because…”

AHHHH!!! Don’t care!

“I don’t have to wear a mask because…”

AHHHH!!! Don’t care!

It doesn’t matter what your opinion is, because I’m not here to try to change it.  I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but never in the history of the internet has anyone’s opinion been swayed by anybody else’s craptastic Facebook posts.  So I ain’t startin’ now.

You’re entitled to your opinion, and we do not have to agree on everything.  That said … in addition to your opinion … there are also rules and guidelines.  And whether you like it or not … them’s the rules.

You know what I t...

Dear Diary …

I get it.  You’re confused.  Because there’s not really an “awards season” this year, you have no idea what people are getting awards for these days.  Well … because I’m a giver … I’m gonna help you out.  I’m here to let you know that there are no awards for some of the things you are doing, so you can kindly stop doing them.

For example … there are no awards for not running the dishwasher simply because there’s space for one more tiny spoon.  If it’s the end of the day, and your dishwasher is 99.9% full … THEN RUN THE DISHWASHER!!!  I don’t need to get up in the morning and realize that there’s no room for anything and have run the cycle and sit there with a sink full of dishes like a fool.  

Because guess what happens next?  You empty the dishwasher and basically it’s full again once you reload all...

Dear Diary …

I can’t believe I’m actually going to say this, but I miss phone calls.  That’s right.  Me.  The guy who don’t like talkin’ to nobody.  The guy who’d much rather text, email, or … you know … just fall out of touch with each other. That'd be fine with me.  And yet here I am missin’ phone calls.

Now … to be clear … I still don’t LIKE phone calls.  I still don’t want to do them, but now that the alternative has become the evil Zoom call … now I miss ‘em.

OMG I’m so over Zoom.  The quality stinks.  The audio is garbage.  And now everybody wants to do ‘em.

Before … you could just bang out a quick call with somebody.  But now … “OK I’ll set up a Zoom call so we can chat.”

Why we gotta set up a Zoom?  Why do we need to see each other?  Look … I get it … If you wanna Zoom with grandma … fine … Zoom with grandma...

Dear Diary …

You know … some people call it “the S word” and act like you’re not supposed to say it.  But I’m gonna say it … because sometimes “the S word” is the perfect word to describe certain things that are … well … STUPID!

Hey … I get it.  It can be insulting to call someone or something stupid.  Buuut … if they’re stupid … what else you gonna say?

Cuz you know what’s stupid now?  Having to pack for any kind of trip.  Packing stinks anyway, but now that we live in Corona-land (which is already very very stupid), now we gotta go through this extra step of making sure we pack 257 different sanitary items.  Wipes, hand sanitizer, soaps, paper towels, masks, sprays … STUPID!  In the past you could just trust that that stuff would be there, or you could just go to the store and grab what you need, but not any more.  Now you gotta pack ev...

Dear Diary …

Without a doubt I am excited and hopeful that we are moving in the right direction in our little Coronovirus universe.  I’m happy that things are opening back up, people are going back to work, and things are happening again.

That said … I am definitely NOT looking forward to the return of one thing … small talk.  I would say, “Oh lord have mercy on all of us,” but I ain’t gonna lie … It’s mostly “Lord have mercy on ME.”  Oh my God I hate small talk … and this is about the be the most small talkin-est we’ve maybe ever been in the history of the world.

You see Diary … I’ve been working the last three months in a building where 90% of the people have been instructed to work from home.  I was one of the 10% going in.  And let me just say … it was GLORIOUS!

No meetings, no BS, and definitely no small talk.

But now everybody is...

Dear Diary …

Ahhhh the beach.  People love the beach.  They plan their vacation to … the beach.  They show off pictures of their drink at … the beach.  They lament a tale of woe when it’s time to leave … the beach.

They wish they could just stay there forever and live at … the beach.

Me on the other hand.  Nah.  I’m good.

Now don’t get me wrong … I have fun at the beach.  But on my last trip I was thinking about it, and there’s no way I could possibly stay there forever.

And for me it’s one big reason … sand.  Ugh the sand.  It’s just … EVERYWHERE.

Sand at the beach means sand on your feet.  And I don’t care how good you rinse, it still never totally comes off before you get back into your place.  And there’s sand in your pants, and sand in your hair, and sand on your body that’s stuck to the lotion on your arms.

Ugh....

Dear Diary …

It’s good to have skills … right?  I mean … you don’t want to be totally useless, so skills are good.  Though I’m not sure ALL skills are good.  My family has skills.  Some of them … good. They fun people.  But other skills … these are the things I could do without.

For example … when I make dinner … my family has an amazing skill of eating JUST enough food that there’s NOT enough food for any other occasion.  Does that even make sense?

What I mean is … as we all know … making and planning food is a pain in the butt.  And I LIKE cooking … but it’s still the relentless onslaught of eating.  As soon as one meal is over, you gotta start prepping for the next one.  And now that we live in the Zombie Apocalypse, that’s even more apparent because you gotta work with whatever you got on the last supply run.  So if I c...

Dear Diary …

I understand that right now it’s not really feasible to book a doctor’s appointment unless absolutely necessary because … you know … they’re kinda busy and stuff … but my wife may need to get her head examined.  I think she might have selective amnesia or something.

Here's why I think that ... 

 I do the grocery shopping in the house … or as well call it in 2020 … I’m the guy who goes on the Zombie Apocalypse supply runs in hopes of finding a can of beans and not get bitten by the ‘Rona.  So when I go to the big scary place … aka “the grocery store” … I’ve got my list of things we need for the boarded up bomb shelter … I mean … “the house” … but I also have my eyes open for other unexpected supplies.  And I ain’t hoarding, but if I see a thing of antibacterial hand soap, I’m gonna buy it.  I’m not gonna buy 27 of them, but I may p...

Dear Diary …

I’m not one to normally bash “the media” because … well … technically … I’m part of “the media.”  But I think what I’ve learned as time goes on is that there are two different categories of “the media.”  

The first is a group of normal humans that happen to work in TV or radio or on the internet.  This group tends to bring information, entertainment, and community involvement.  That’s us.  

Heck … as far as news goes … I’m way more likely to let you know that there’s a new 70 calorie White Claw flavor coming out than I am to talk about anything relating to politics or the Coronavirus.

Then there’s a second group … the hype-driven freakout “news media.”  This is the group that has basically learned how to make all of go crazy.  And for as much as we sit here and claim that we don’t like this group or “the media,” we’r...