Dear Diary …

Ahhhh the beach.  People love the beach.  They plan their vacation to … the beach.  They show off pictures of their drink at … the beach.  They lament a tale of woe when it’s time to leave … the beach.

They wish they could just stay there forever and live at … the beach.

Me on the other hand.  Nah.  I’m good.

Now don’t get me wrong … I have fun at the beach.  But on my last trip I was thinking about it, and there’s no way I could possibly stay there forever.

And for me it’s one big reason … sand.  Ugh the sand.  It’s just … EVERYWHERE.

Sand at the beach means sand on your feet.  And I don’t care how good you rinse, it still never totally comes off before you get back into your place.  And there’s sand in your pants, and sand in your hair, and sand on your body that’s stuck to the lotion on your arms.

Ugh....

Dear Diary …

It’s good to have skills … right?  I mean … you don’t want to be totally useless, so skills are good.  Though I’m not sure ALL skills are good.  My family has skills.  Some of them … good. They fun people.  But other skills … these are the things I could do without.

For example … when I make dinner … my family has an amazing skill of eating JUST enough food that there’s NOT enough food for any other occasion.  Does that even make sense?

What I mean is … as we all know … making and planning food is a pain in the butt.  And I LIKE cooking … but it’s still the relentless onslaught of eating.  As soon as one meal is over, you gotta start prepping for the next one.  And now that we live in the Zombie Apocalypse, that’s even more apparent because you gotta work with whatever you got on the last supply run.  So if I c...

Dear Diary …

I understand that right now it’s not really feasible to book a doctor’s appointment unless absolutely necessary because … you know … they’re kinda busy and stuff … but my wife may need to get her head examined.  I think she might have selective amnesia or something.

Here's why I think that ... 

 I do the grocery shopping in the house … or as well call it in 2020 … I’m the guy who goes on the Zombie Apocalypse supply runs in hopes of finding a can of beans and not get bitten by the ‘Rona.  So when I go to the big scary place … aka “the grocery store” … I’ve got my list of things we need for the boarded up bomb shelter … I mean … “the house” … but I also have my eyes open for other unexpected supplies.  And I ain’t hoarding, but if I see a thing of antibacterial hand soap, I’m gonna buy it.  I’m not gonna buy 27 of them, but I may p...

Dear Diary …

I’m not one to normally bash “the media” because … well … technically … I’m part of “the media.”  But I think what I’ve learned as time goes on is that there are two different categories of “the media.”  

The first is a group of normal humans that happen to work in TV or radio or on the internet.  This group tends to bring information, entertainment, and community involvement.  That’s us.  

Heck … as far as news goes … I’m way more likely to let you know that there’s a new 70 calorie White Claw flavor coming out than I am to talk about anything relating to politics or the Coronavirus.

Then there’s a second group … the hype-driven freakout “news media.”  This is the group that has basically learned how to make all of go crazy.  And for as much as we sit here and claim that we don’t like this group or “the media,” we’r...

Dear Diary …

I’m gonna give you two words, and they’re gonna make your skin crawl the second you hear them. And that should immediately tell you that they need to go away and people need to stop using them.

“Tough times”

Yup … I knew it … you just got the heebie jeebies when I said them.

“In these tough times … just know that we can all come together and remember what’s important … buying products from whatever business is doing this commercial and using the words ‘tough times.’”

Look man … I get it. We’re all just doing our best here, and I know your heart is absolutely in the right place, but maybe we don’t wanna be reminded about it all day every day.

“In these tough times … just remember … sandwiches.  We sell sandwiches.  Please buy them.”  I don't want the reminder! 

Here’s two more words I’m just about done with … “Essential...

Dear Diary …

You know what might be the worst place on Earth now?  The grocery store.  Man I used to LOVE going to the grocery store.  Saunter my way up and down the aisles (yes I said “saunter”) … think about what to make for dinner … search for amazing deals.  I had a great time.  Now … I hate it!

And before I dive down this rabbit hole … let me be super clear that I am VERY grateful for the employees that are there all day, every day making sure that their community gets fed.  This has nothing to do with you … so thank you for doing what you do. But just know … I can’t wait to leave you people!

I used to be someone that liked to shop on the fly.  Pop in on my way home from work, get what I need for dinner that night, and do it every couple of days.  Now I’m doing this whole “one big trip” thing, and it just takes FOREVER...

Dear Diary …

You know what, let’s try to be positive here for a second, shall we?  Right now we’re spending all our time lamenting the things we miss and can’t do. WAHHHH!!!  Now don’t get me wrong, this guy wants to go to a dang restaurant and have a bunch of friends over for a cookout, but instead of thinking about that and feeling sad, I’m gonna actually touch on some of the things I DON’T miss since all of this mess went down.

First … music festivals.  And if you’re thinking to yourself, “Music festivals? But music festivals are awesome!” … then you have fallen into their trap.  Music festivals have tricked you into thinking they are good, when they are in fact, a big steaming pile.

Look … I love live music, and I love going to concerts, but what music festivals do is take all the good things about a concert … destroy them … and...

Dear Diary …

As you can imagine right now, one of the things I’m definitely thankful for is technology.  And yes I know … we should use this time to connect with our family or books or nature or whatever it is you claim you’re doing when you’re actually on TikTok, but I’m a realist.  Plus, I played poker online with my friends and won $100 over the weekend … so hooray technology!

Think about it … we have the ability to watch any show we want, read any book we want, creep on old pictures of any friend we want … all without leaving our couch.  It’s amazing!

But I do have one request … would technology PLEASE stop trying to ruin absolutely every present and surprise on the face of the Earth?  God! Every time I order something on Amazon for somebody else, next thing I know some smart speaker in the house is pinging … “Hey that Spiderman toy y...

Dear Diary …

So if you’ve been hanging around on social media the past few days … and let’s be honest … you’ve been doing NOTHING but hanging around on social media the past few days.  What the heck else you gonna do?  Read?

I mean … I feel like this counts as reading.  I’ve read like 5 books in the past week.  It’s just that each chapter is the length of a Facebook post.  Because it is a Facebook post.  My post.  Your post.  Everybody else’s post.  It’s the world we’re in right now … It’s all we got!

So one thing that has been popping off is this whole “Unpopular Opinions” thing where people list off things they dislike that most people like.  First of all … I gotta figure out how to sue the universe for plagiarism for this thing because it’s … well … THIS ANGER DIARY and I’ve been doing it since MySpace was...

Dear Diary …

Quarantine.  Day whatever the heck.  I lost count.  And I just mean of the days in general.  Is this Tuesday?  Am I supposed to be angry today?  Every day feels like Tuesday, so does it even matter?  Oh who the heck even knows anymore.

I just can’t believe that I’m going to be the generation that gathers round the grandchildren and says, “Kids, did you know that when I was a boy, you used to be able to go to the grocery store and just … BUY toilet paper?  Oh the wonders of the aisle children … all different sizes, brands, selections … it was a glorious time in American history … the great TP bounty of the early 2000’s.”

At this rate I figure that’s where it’s going, because I don’t think it’s ever gonna be in stock again.  Hasn’t everyone that’s hoarded it already gotten their fill?  

You know … I...