Dear Diary …

It is time that we all come together and recognize that we are ruled by an entity that is greater than all of mankind.  We do our best on our Earthly plane, but we answer to a higher power.  A power that truly controls us.

People of the Anger Diary … Please all rise up and come together to hail our leader … the almighty … the all powerful … iPad!

And call it whatever you want .. iPad, tablet, Xbox, phone … it’s whatever the device is in your house that is turning all of our children into wide-eyed drooling zombies as they worship at the altar of their one true leader.

Oh my God.  I hate the dang things.

And it’s not so much the whole, “Oh they’re looking at a screen all the time.  When I was a kid we played outside every day.”

Yeah yeah yeah … tell yourself that all you want … but we all still worshiped at the altar of the telev...

There are many things that start with good intentions, and seem like a good idea at the time, but in reality they are just plain stupid.  Problem is, nobody actually stands up and points it out, so these dumb things are allowed to exist. And not only do they exist, but they  sit there acting like they’re all useful or something … “Look at me, I’m helpful.”  

Well guess what?  You’re not!

For example … electrical outlets that are connected to light switches are stupid.  And they make you think they’re all useful … “Oh hey … I’m an electrical outlet connected to a plug, now you can plug a lamp into me and the switch will turn the light on and off.  I’m useful!”

No you aren’t.  Because the reality is, these outlets very rarely have a lamp plugged in to them.  Instead, they’re just an outlet that dupes you into thinking you’re charg...

Dear Diary …

Here we go again … It’s that time of year where we start tossing around the dreaded “RESOLUTIONS.”  Oh boy.

I mean look … it’s great to have goals … but why do we always have to packet it into this dorkified way right at the beginning of January?  New year … new you!  Yeah whatever … remember New Year’s Day last year?  Yeah … that’s still you.  You might be a “little improved,” but you ain’t new.  Cuz you’re … well … you!  Ain’t no Pinterest page full of meal prep ideas gonna REALLY change you.

And I’m gonna be perfectly honest … first week of January … I ain’t inspired to do nothing.  I mean MAYBE I can get together enough motivation to put the dang Christmas tree away, but so don’t wanna.  Don’t wanna go to work. Don’t wanna go to the gym.  Don’t wanna!

But you know what?  This ain’t helping.  S...

Dear Diary …

I know we like to say, “Never say never,” but sometimes you CAN actually say “never” because I do believe that NEVER in the history of recorded time, has it ever been a good time when your phone, computer, or app wants to do an update.  Never not once!

Would you like to update your software right now?  No!  No I would not!

Shall I remind you in an hour?  No!  No you shall not!

Your timing is the worst.  And you wanna know why?  You only ask when I’m trying to use you!

Here’s a crazy idea … update when I’m NOT using you.  And yes, I know you can set auto updates, and I DO set auto updates, and yet here we still are, dealing with your questions.

That's the problem ... not everything is auto.  Here’s a crazy idea … 1am … when I’m not doing anything … update everything.

“But we need you to click OK on our 4,000 page user ag...

Dear Diary …

Some things just don’t belong in this world, but for whatever reason, some people just don’t get it and they do it anyway.  But fear not, Diary, I am here to make the new mandates and hopefully make people aware of how badly they’re screwing up.  

Today in Zackmerica I am here to announce the ban … the ban on couple shopping together at the grocery store.  I know, you think “Oh it’s cute, we’re a couple and we’re shopping together,” but I’m gonna give you a harsh dose of reality … all you actually are is “in the way.”

Because it’s the same thing every time … You got a husband pushing a cart around with a totally lost look on his face.  Like he was a caveman who just got unfrozen from a block of ice and the first thing they did was take him to the grocery store to move this metal basket with wheels around for cave lady wife....

Dear Diary … 

The world is full of thieves.  People are constantly trying to steal stuff from you … money, personal information, your valuables.  Now … a lot these thieves get caught, which is certainly a good thing.  And yet … there is one group of thieves that is basically going unpunished, and this is just downright WRONG.  Yeah … you know who you are … women and children!

“Oh no!  There’s danger!  Save the women and children first!”

Oh whatever!  You mean “save the thieves first?”  Because that’s actually what they are.  

Thieves.  Specifically “Charger Thieves.”

Men … you can be rest assured … if you have a phone charger and you aren’t guarding it with your life … it will eventually be stolen by some woman or child when they come across it.

In my kitchen we have two chargers.  Chargers that are to be used for my...

Dear Diary … 

There are some things people do … that me personally … I don’t get it.  But hey … if you wanna do it … that’s fine, but you still gotta have some guidelines.  For example … vanity license plates.

I gotta be honest … before I moved to Virginia … I had never really seen a whole lot of these things because they were expensive to get.  So nobody got 'em.  But then I moved here, and for whatever reason, it was WAY cheaper to do them.  So …. Everybody was doing them.

And like I said … not for me.  I just can’t think of anything that I would want broadcast on my car all day, every single day.  I can’t possibly have that consistent of a mood or outlook on life to be saddled by the EXACT same message to the world every day.  I mean … I’m a Red Sox fan.  But there are some days I’m kinda mad at them and don’t really want to...

Dear Diary …

Sometimes words are perfectly fine when they are used on their own … like the words “wait” … or “what?” These are seemingly innocent words that aren’t really that big of a deal.  But … when you put them together, they become “the worst!”  At least they are when my kids use them.

“Wait … what?”

Yup that’s their catch all phrase to interject themselves into all of the conversations that weren’t any of their business.  If my wife and I are having a conversation in the kitchen, and they come walking in … 

“Wait … what?  Who are you talking about?”

Nobody you know.

“Yeah but what are they doing?”

Nothing that’s any of your business either!

What is the deal with kids?  Why are they so dang nosy? You’re nine … you don’t need to be part of every conversation I have.

And what’s worse is when you’re ACTUALLY trying to talk to them … bec...

Dear Diary ….

I know women.

Oh wait … that was a typo … I know NOTHING about women.

Look  … it’s important to understand your own strength and weaknesses.  I know cooking.  I know pointless details about fantasy football.  Women … I don’t know nothin’.

You ladies do an amazing job of holding on to the mystery.   You seem like simple creatures.  You even rope us in and make feel like, “yeah I’m starting to figure this out.”  Then you totally steer the ship into the opposite direction and leave us standing there wondering what the heck just happened.

Like for example … why do women take so long to do everything?  Like when my wife and I go to bed.  I go upstairs … brush my teeth … do whatever else I need to do in the bathroom … get into bed.  Boom.  Five minutes.

And now I’m ready … cuz it’s snuggly time.  Ju...

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