Quarantine. Day whatever the heck. I lost count. And I just mean of the days in general. Is this Tuesday? Am I supposed to be angry today? Every day feels like Tuesday, so does it even matter? Oh who the heck even knows anymore.
I just can’t believe that I’m going to be the generation that gathers round the grandchildren and says, “Kids, did you know that when I was a boy, you used to be able to go to the grocery store and just … BUY toilet paper? Oh the wonders of the aisle children … all different sizes, brands, selections … it was a glorious time in American history … the great TP bounty of the early 2000’s.”
At this rate I figure that’s where it’s going, because I don’t think it’s ever gonna be in stock again. Hasn’t everyone that’s hoarded it already gotten their fill?
As you can imagine, doing the Anger Diary right now is just like pretty much everything else in the world … weird. I mean what am I gonna do, sit here and say things like “Oh man I hate it when people don’t use their turn signals!” Trust me … I wish I could. I wish so freakin’ hard that I could just sit here and rant about how my son refuses to poop more than once every few days, but now I’m here praising him because it saves toilet paper!
So I’m gonna do my best to be here for everybody, provide a smile and an escape, a sense of community every day to be a part of. I’m also gonna be straight up honest with you about where my head is at with everything that’s going on, and share some observations that I hope can be helpful.
For example … and I won’t candy coat it … I worry for this country because what we have to do now is...
My goodness … what a ridiculously wild, weird, and terrifying time. I don’t even know where to begin. Shoot … I don’t even know where we are in all this mess since it’s unlike anything pretty much any of us has ever seen.
Here’s what I do know … we WILL get thru this. I’m not entirely sure how and I’m not entirely sure when, but there WILL be an end to it. And here’s what we all need to do … take a deep breath, focus, and try to get thru this TOGETHER.
I know it’s gonna pain a lot of you to hear this, but you’re gonna have to think about people other than yourselves and do things that are for the betterment of everyone. So that means not being the douche canoe who buys 700 rolls of toilet paper or cleans the grocery store out of ground beef because, “I gotta get mine!”
I think we can all agree that, for the most part, adulting sucks. Jobs. Bills. Responsibilities. General Bull Poopery. I don’t need to sell it to you … you agree. You wanna go back to being a kid too.
That said … there ARE some parts of being a kid that kinda suck, and it’s exciting as an adult to not have to deal with things like curfews, wanting to be popular, following you parents’ dumb rules. And the big one … homework.
Homework is easily one of the worst parts of being a kid. From the annoying day to day busy work … all the way up to the stressful term papers, science fair projects, and God knows what else.
But here I am … all grows up and finally free of the burden of all that stupid homework. Until I had children. And now … I have homework! I mean sure … it’s technically THEIR homework, but...
Have you ever been in a crowded restaurant that doesn’t have servers? So … you know … it’s a place where you go up and order your food, and then go find a seat. Those places (when they're crowded) introduce us to one of the worst kinds of human beings alive … the seat saver.
This is the person who completely ruins the balance of the entire food ecosystem by declaring, “I’ll go save us a seat.” And I use this voice because, while the seat server can be almost anyone, it is most often one kind of person. She’s 60 something years old, has a sour look on her face, never smiles, and has old leathery skin. She’s the kind of woman who drags her doormat of a husband with her to the grocery store and makes him push the cart around while she barks orders at him.
She treats employees like garbage and refers to them as “th...
There is a topic where we are officially out of control in this world. We have no rational thought, no common sense, and no concept of right and wrong. This topic starts with a P and ends with an S … and I think you know exactly what I’m talking about.
It’s the topic of … Paper Towels.
What? You thought I was gonna say politics? Pffft. I ain’t touchin’ than mess.
And besides … paper towels are worse man because it's all about something we messed with that didn’t need messin’ with, and now there’s no turning back.
Paper towels used to be fine. You needed one, you tore it off the roll. But then … they started this whole 1-2-3 section thing and all hell broke loose. Because now … tearing off one piece of paper towel isn't enough to do anything, but tearing off two of those pieces is may more than you needed.
It is time that we all come together and recognize that we are ruled by an entity that is greater than all of mankind. We do our best on our Earthly plane, but we answer to a higher power. A power that truly controls us.
People of the Anger Diary … Please all rise up and come together to hail our leader … the almighty … the all powerful … iPad!
And call it whatever you want .. iPad, tablet, Xbox, phone … it’s whatever the device is in your house that is turning all of our children into wide-eyed drooling zombies as they worship at the altar of their one true leader.
Oh my God. I hate the dang things.
And it’s not so much the whole, “Oh they’re looking at a screen all the time. When I was a kid we played outside every day.”
Yeah yeah yeah … tell yourself that all you want … but we all still worshiped at the altar of the telev...
There are many things that start with good intentions, and seem like a good idea at the time, but in reality they are just plain stupid. Problem is, nobody actually stands up and points it out, so these dumb things are allowed to exist. And not only do they exist, but they sit there acting like they’re all useful or something … “Look at me, I’m helpful.”
Well guess what? You’re not!
For example … electrical outlets that are connected to light switches are stupid. And they make you think they’re all useful … “Oh hey … I’m an electrical outlet connected to a plug, now you can plug a lamp into me and the switch will turn the light on and off. I’m useful!”
No you aren’t. Because the reality is, these outlets very rarely have a lamp plugged in to them. Instead, they’re just an outlet that dupes you into thinking you’re charg...
Here we go again … It’s that time of year where we start tossing around the dreaded “RESOLUTIONS.” Oh boy.
I mean look … it’s great to have goals … but why do we always have to packet it into this dorkified way right at the beginning of January? New year … new you! Yeah whatever … remember New Year’s Day last year? Yeah … that’s still you. You might be a “little improved,” but you ain’t new. Cuz you’re … well … you! Ain’t no Pinterest page full of meal prep ideas gonna REALLY change you.
And I’m gonna be perfectly honest … first week of January … I ain’t inspired to do nothing. I mean MAYBE I can get together enough motivation to put the dang Christmas tree away, but so don’t wanna. Don’t wanna go to work. Don’t wanna go to the gym. Don’t wanna!
I know we like to say, “Never say never,” but sometimes you CAN actually say “never” because I do believe that NEVER in the history of recorded time, has it ever been a good time when your phone, computer, or app wants to do an update. Never not once!
Would you like to update your software right now? No! No I would not!
Shall I remind you in an hour? No! No you shall not!
Your timing is the worst. And you wanna know why? You only ask when I’m trying to use you!
Here’s a crazy idea … update when I’m NOT using you. And yes, I know you can set auto updates, and I DO set auto updates, and yet here we still are, dealing with your questions.
That's the problem ... not everything is auto. Here’s a crazy idea … 1am … when I’m not doing anything … update everything.
“But we need you to click OK on our 4,000 page user ag...